Quidditch Crack Fic

The Hydra Trilogy

Master hydrators

Prompt: Chris M., Nick H., and the Doctor

Nick couldn’t believe his eyes. It felt like a particularly vicious beater had just thrown a bludger into his gut as hard as they possibly could - and then hit him again in the head for good measure. He felt sick and upset and confused. Was he seeing things? Or was this really happening?

“Don’t look at me like that,” Chris said, his voice both serious and pleading. His copper Western steampunk attire contrasted sharply against the bluest blue either of them had ever seen, and it somehow made the situation that much more majestic and ridiculous. “You know I have to do this.”

“No, you don’t,” Nick insisted. “You could stay here. With your team. With me.”

A crease appeared on Chris’s brow. “We don’t even play in the same region, anymore, Nick.”

“That’s not the point!”

Chris sighed. “Nick, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. A chance to live my travel, to live my dreams - to live everyone’s dreams!”

“But what about mine?” Nick whispered. “We were supposed to make it. We were supposed to compete against each other in the World Cup. That’s your dream.”

“Not anymore.”

There was a deep silence before a sandy-haired man opened the police box door behind Chris, surprising him; he had to hold on to the edge of the door to keep from falling.

“What’re you still doing out here for?” he asked. “Who’s this?”

Chris hesitated. “Doctor, this is - “

“Hey, you’re sort of tall. Get in here and help me fix the transdimensional orbital reader.”

Nick looked from Chris to the Doctor in shock. “You mean, just for now, or…?”

“‘Course not!” the Doctor chided. “That thing is always breaking, and it’s always handy to have someone tall around.” He beamed at the pair. “Don’t you think?”

The transdimensional orbiter reader kept breaking, just like the Doctor said, but that was all right. Nick and Chris were both there to help fix it.

And to teach the good Doctor how to play Quidditch.

(They also got to see their teams compete against each other in the Quidditch World Cup XVII. That was pretty cool.)

We will start answering prompts on Sunday. Until then, if you want to be on the Hit List, be sure to message us!

Written by Kathleen! A continuation of the chatroom they began in “With a Wink”

‎Kathleen: Even though we’ve never met—to my knowledge—sometimes when I dream about you I perform wandless magic and make patronuses in my sleep

Kathleen: oh my god that sounded really awkward

Kathleen: It’s just you make me so happy! I don’t know what I would do without my daily dose of quidditch.

‎Quinksy: …quidditch?

‎Quinksy Quimpernel felt sad. She knew that indeed, quidditch was a worthy thing to want, but … there was some part of her that hoped that Kathleen wanted her all to herself, for herself. But if that was part of the problem with being an anonymous blogger, then she would bear the cost.

Prompt: Mason and Alan

Mason and Alan stared unabashedly at each other, stunned. What had just happened? What was going on?

Mason lifted his hand and found himself running his fingers through Alan’s red hair. Alan could feel the chill of the wind on Mason’s skin. As strange, bizarre, and unexpected as it was, they could not escape it. It was a part of them now.

“I did not expect this,” Alan croaked, finding the sound of his voice strange now.

“Me neither,” Mason gulped. “Who knew those fortune cookies we found in Chris’s backpack would switch our bodies?”

Camila wrote this one :D

Kathleen dropped her face into her hands, unable to contain her emotions. A wink face! Quinksy had used a winky face! She knew it could mean nothing, that it could constitute just another meaningless joke, part of the ribald conversations of quid chats. But each time Quinksy spoke to her, each time it seemed that he/she/it was paying special attention to her… she blew out a sigh. Every time what? She was just another blogger among many, and she could not imagine she could compare to the ongoing obsession with fancy hat man (who she had to admit did indeed, have a very fancy hat and suit). But a new window on Facebook chat had opened, Quinksy Quimpernel blinking at her. Oh! A private chat.

Confidence restored, Kathleen rallied to her keyboard.

——

Continued here

Prompt: Kathleen/Quinksy with something adorable

Quinksy sighed. “One of these days,” she/he/it said with determination. “One of these days, I’m going to meet Benepe and - “

“Why Benepe?” a voice purred. “I could offer you so much more.”

Quinksy turned around and gasped. Kathleen was standing before her/him/it, a glowing smile on her face and an adorable black puppy in her hands.

“Choose me,” Kathleen whispered, getting down on one knee and holding the puppy up as her offering, “and you can have all the puppies you could ever want.”

The puppy wagged her tail, and Quinksy felt her/his/it’s heart tighten. The puppy was so cute, and so clearly loving, but…what about Benepe?

“He,” Kathleen insisted, “will never be able to offer you what I can. What Padfoot here can.”

And with those words, Quinksy knew what the decision had to be.

Prompt: Camila wants to be a Team USA ref. Or Quidditch mom. One of those two.

“So, miss Camila the Quidditch mum, are you coming?” the man in the trenchcoat asked with a charming smile.

Camila paused. “I don’t know,” she said slowly. “I have to ref a Quidditch match tomorrow, and - “

“It can be the night before tomorrow for another hundred years, if you like,” the Doctor said with a wink. “How about I show you the Quidditch World Cup CLII? Now THAT’S a sight to see.”

Prompt: Ra and Matt are the water-people for Team USA

“How dare you!” Ra shrieked, shivering and infuriated. She had just been soaked by a cooler full of Gatorade, and was glaring at the perpetrator with a look that could melt an ice cube.

 Matt grinned. “I think it suits you,” he teased, throwing the cooler aside.

She just stared at him for a moment before producing water balloons out of seemingly nowhere and pelting Matt in the face with them.

“No fair, no fair!” he cried, trying to run away, but Ra was too quick for him; soon, he found himself crashing into the dirt, pinned to the ground with a surprising amount of strength.

“I’ll show you what suits me,” she growled, keeping him down by straddling his waist, and Matt felt his face grow hot. Oh, Merlin.

——-

“Sorry I tried to kill you,” Ra said awkwardly.

“No hard feelings,” Matt laughed. “The hospital bill was lower than I expected, and I was sort of asking for it, anyway.”

And then he treated her to ice cream and she gave him her last Easter-themed mini Twix bar and they had dessert under the stars.

——-

“Shit, who knew that that MRI they gave me was going to grant me water-bending powers?” Matt exclaimed as he lowered into a defensive stance.

“And who knew that Gatorade was soaked with the same chemicals?” Ra laughed, doing the same.

And as the pair used their master water-bending to hydrate their teammates, all the other Quidditch teams lost, looking to the awesome pair in fear and admiration. Hydration would never be a problem for Team USA; not while these two were around.

——-

Illustration

I’m Sophie, and I will be writing these terrible, terrible crackfics for you. Camila will be joining me later with some art. :D This is where you submit Quidditch-people-or-game-related prompts, and I write terrible fanfic for them, and Camila draws them.

I will be posting this again elsewhere once tumblr sends my email so I can verify this account, but I’ll inform you now, just so you know. These are my personal rules in regards to how this will work in no particular order:

• I will not be writing anything explicit. That isn’t to say I won’t write ships, but nothing I write will be NSFW.
• I will not bash anyone.
• When you submit a prompt, I will use everything you say. If you only give me names, I will assume I can use any universe I want. :)
• These will likely all be OOC. Don’t expect an accurate representation of yourself.
• These are usually written in 5 minutes. They will probably suck. Apologies in advance.
• If you are willing to be featured, message me your name. If you want to submit a prompt, be sure to use the names on the list that will eventually be posted some time next week. :)

These first stories were posted in Westbook and will now be here for your reading pleasure. :) Enjoy~